Blinking

How did I get here? How did I end up getting married at 18, and birthing my first child at 22?

These questions often plague my mind in the middle of the (sleepless) night.

I met my husband when I was 15. I was dancing in and out of a pathetic high school relationship, and I had just chopped off all my hair into a short, spiky 'do. Full of angst and hormones, I intentionally ignored but made a mental note of that shy blond guy sitting behind me with that gorgeous red acoustic guitar, and also the convertible he sped away in later that day. ;) He was 19 at the time, and seemed impossibly out of reach. I didn't see him after that. A couple of months after I turned 17, our lives crossed paths again, and we never looked back. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. I thought about him every waking second. He made me so happy! He popped the question less than 6 months later. We were married 6 months after that. Yeah. I moved out of my parent's house and right into my marital home just days after my 18th birthday. I was so blinded by love. At that age, you can't see past the next 5 minutes, how can you possibly make a life-long commitment like that? Well, I did. I have reaped the benefits and suffered the consequences. Sometimes I wish we would have waited to tie the knot. A few months into the marriage, I found myself spiraling into depression and desperately wanting to stretch my independence wings. I wanted to rely on no one but myself for once in my life. I even seriously considered moving to the coast by myself and doing massages for one summer. (I'm a massage therapist.) I singled out a resort to work at and even searched for a studio apartment. Nothing ever came of it, and surprisingly, being the sole breadwinner my family for one winter while working at a spa took care of those feelings.

Cut to December 2005. I had been feeling weird for about 2 weeks, and one night about 11pm my world came crashing down around me. I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant, and then I wasn't anymore. I was in severe pain one moment and then I was looking at my dead baby in my toilet the next. It was a shock to my body, mind, and spirit. Before the miscarriage, I had little interest in having children. I knew we would someday, but not anytime soon. I was only 21, after all. But after the miscarriage I felt a deep ache that I had never experienced before, and hope to never again. My womb and my arms were empty. It was so unnatural. Why? That was the question of the century. Once I got over the initial shock, I felt an extreme longing to be pregnant again. My heart would not be settled until I had a healthy baby! It's a hard feeling to explain. I was not ready to be a mother, yet I needed to be a mother! I shared my feelings with my husband, and we conceived our son about 3 months later. My whole pregnancy was so unrealistic to me. It was a mixture of excitement, fear, denial & being sick as a dog. My due date was a joke, as my son was born 5 weeks & 4 days "late". Ha! Luckily, I had a midwife, and later an OB, who let me trust my body. The nurse speculated him to be about 1 1/2 weeks overdue. I worked so hard to get that sweet baby boy here and the first words out of my mouth when he was out were "Is he real?". My mom has it on video. I was in disbelief to say the least. Life has been crazy ever since. His first birthday is fast approaching and with that comes the realization that I will soon no longer have a baby, but a walking, talking, toddler! Let it be known that I am terrified of toddlers! I am currently in the process freaking out and trying desperately to hold on to these sweet baby moments, because I know that they won't last forever. I don't know how I got here, but I am enjoying what I have been given.