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Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Flash Before My Eyes
My son Eli and I attended a youth fundraiser fish fry at our church last night, while my hubby worked. Most of the congregation was there, and they all oohed and aahed over Eli as he smiled and giggled his was into their hearts. Who knew a nearly-9 month old could be so charming! I saw a friend there whom I've known since we were practically in diapers, who hadn't met Eli yet. He has a son who is twice Eli's age. It was weird to see eachother with our children! It really made me feel old!
On my way home last night, less than a mile from our house, a truck ran a red light. I didn't even have time to hit the horn. I squeezed the steering wheel and slammed on my breaks. I came to a screeching stop in the middle of the intersection. The truck thankfully skidded to a stop too, the grill ending up just inches from my back passenger side door. My sweet baby boy was sleeping soundly in his car seat right on the other side of that door. (Our car doesn't have "latch" in the middle seat) I do not know how the truck stopped just in time, and I do not know how the car behind me did not rear-end me either. I can call it nothing but a miracle. I have thanked God about 1,000,000 times since then. I can only hope that my beloved Britax car seat would have been enough protection for Eli, had the truck t-boned his door. I just don't know. I am now, obviously, terrified to drive anywhere, especially with my son in tow.
It wasn't my life I saw flash before my eyes last night, it was my son's.
On my way home last night, less than a mile from our house, a truck ran a red light. I didn't even have time to hit the horn. I squeezed the steering wheel and slammed on my breaks. I came to a screeching stop in the middle of the intersection. The truck thankfully skidded to a stop too, the grill ending up just inches from my back passenger side door. My sweet baby boy was sleeping soundly in his car seat right on the other side of that door. (Our car doesn't have "latch" in the middle seat) I do not know how the truck stopped just in time, and I do not know how the car behind me did not rear-end me either. I can call it nothing but a miracle. I have thanked God about 1,000,000 times since then. I can only hope that my beloved Britax car seat would have been enough protection for Eli, had the truck t-boned his door. I just don't know. I am now, obviously, terrified to drive anywhere, especially with my son in tow.
It wasn't my life I saw flash before my eyes last night, it was my son's.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Blinking
How did I get here? How did I end up getting married at 18, and birthing my first child at 22?
These questions often plague my mind in the middle of the (sleepless) night.
I met my husband when I was 15. I was dancing in and out of a pathetic high school relationship, and I had just chopped off all my hair into a short, spiky 'do. Full of angst and hormones, I intentionally ignored but made a mental note of that shy blond guy sitting behind me with that gorgeous red acoustic guitar, and also the convertible he sped away in later that day. ;) He was 19 at the time, and seemed impossibly out of reach. I didn't see him after that. A couple of months after I turned 17, our lives crossed paths again, and we never looked back. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. I thought about him every waking second. He made me so happy! He popped the question less than 6 months later. We were married 6 months after that. Yeah. I moved out of my parent's house and right into my marital home just days after my 18th birthday. I was so blinded by love. At that age, you can't see past the next 5 minutes, how can you possibly make a life-long commitment like that? Well, I did. I have reaped the benefits and suffered the consequences. Sometimes I wish we would have waited to tie the knot. A few months into the marriage, I found myself spiraling into depression and desperately wanting to stretch my independence wings. I wanted to rely on no one but myself for once in my life. I even seriously considered moving to the coast by myself and doing massages for one summer. (I'm a massage therapist.) I singled out a resort to work at and even searched for a studio apartment. Nothing ever came of it, and surprisingly, being the sole breadwinner my family for one winter while working at a spa took care of those feelings.
Cut to December 2005. I had been feeling weird for about 2 weeks, and one night about 11pm my world came crashing down around me. I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant, and then I wasn't anymore. I was in severe pain one moment and then I was looking at my dead baby in my toilet the next. It was a shock to my body, mind, and spirit. Before the miscarriage, I had little interest in having children. I knew we would someday, but not anytime soon. I was only 21, after all. But after the miscarriage I felt a deep ache that I had never experienced before, and hope to never again. My womb and my arms were empty. It was so unnatural. Why? That was the question of the century. Once I got over the initial shock, I felt an extreme longing to be pregnant again. My heart would not be settled until I had a healthy baby! It's a hard feeling to explain. I was not ready to be a mother, yet I needed to be a mother! I shared my feelings with my husband, and we conceived our son about 3 months later. My whole pregnancy was so unrealistic to me. It was a mixture of excitement, fear, denial & being sick as a dog. My due date was a joke, as my son was born 5 weeks & 4 days "late". Ha! Luckily, I had a midwife, and later an OB, who let me trust my body. The nurse speculated him to be about 1 1/2 weeks overdue. I worked so hard to get that sweet baby boy here and the first words out of my mouth when he was out were "Is he real?". My mom has it on video. I was in disbelief to say the least. Life has been crazy ever since. His first birthday is fast approaching and with that comes the realization that I will soon no longer have a baby, but a walking, talking, toddler! Let it be known that I am terrified of toddlers! I am currently in the process freaking out and trying desperately to hold on to these sweet baby moments, because I know that they won't last forever. I don't know how I got here, but I am enjoying what I have been given.
These questions often plague my mind in the middle of the (sleepless) night.
I met my husband when I was 15. I was dancing in and out of a pathetic high school relationship, and I had just chopped off all my hair into a short, spiky 'do. Full of angst and hormones, I intentionally ignored but made a mental note of that shy blond guy sitting behind me with that gorgeous red acoustic guitar, and also the convertible he sped away in later that day. ;) He was 19 at the time, and seemed impossibly out of reach. I didn't see him after that. A couple of months after I turned 17, our lives crossed paths again, and we never looked back. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. I thought about him every waking second. He made me so happy! He popped the question less than 6 months later. We were married 6 months after that. Yeah. I moved out of my parent's house and right into my marital home just days after my 18th birthday. I was so blinded by love. At that age, you can't see past the next 5 minutes, how can you possibly make a life-long commitment like that? Well, I did. I have reaped the benefits and suffered the consequences. Sometimes I wish we would have waited to tie the knot. A few months into the marriage, I found myself spiraling into depression and desperately wanting to stretch my independence wings. I wanted to rely on no one but myself for once in my life. I even seriously considered moving to the coast by myself and doing massages for one summer. (I'm a massage therapist.) I singled out a resort to work at and even searched for a studio apartment. Nothing ever came of it, and surprisingly, being the sole breadwinner my family for one winter while working at a spa took care of those feelings.
Cut to December 2005. I had been feeling weird for about 2 weeks, and one night about 11pm my world came crashing down around me. I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant, and then I wasn't anymore. I was in severe pain one moment and then I was looking at my dead baby in my toilet the next. It was a shock to my body, mind, and spirit. Before the miscarriage, I had little interest in having children. I knew we would someday, but not anytime soon. I was only 21, after all. But after the miscarriage I felt a deep ache that I had never experienced before, and hope to never again. My womb and my arms were empty. It was so unnatural. Why? That was the question of the century. Once I got over the initial shock, I felt an extreme longing to be pregnant again. My heart would not be settled until I had a healthy baby! It's a hard feeling to explain. I was not ready to be a mother, yet I needed to be a mother! I shared my feelings with my husband, and we conceived our son about 3 months later. My whole pregnancy was so unrealistic to me. It was a mixture of excitement, fear, denial & being sick as a dog. My due date was a joke, as my son was born 5 weeks & 4 days "late". Ha! Luckily, I had a midwife, and later an OB, who let me trust my body. The nurse speculated him to be about 1 1/2 weeks overdue. I worked so hard to get that sweet baby boy here and the first words out of my mouth when he was out were "Is he real?". My mom has it on video. I was in disbelief to say the least. Life has been crazy ever since. His first birthday is fast approaching and with that comes the realization that I will soon no longer have a baby, but a walking, talking, toddler! Let it be known that I am terrified of toddlers! I am currently in the process freaking out and trying desperately to hold on to these sweet baby moments, because I know that they won't last forever. I don't know how I got here, but I am enjoying what I have been given.
Monday, September 3, 2007
My Thoughts On Nursing in Public
Let me start off by saying that, as a nursing mother, my opinion is obviously biased. But that's not to say that I do not consider other's feelings while nursing in public a.k.a. "whippin' em out".
Nursing for us has been a challenge from about day four on. Days one, two and three were great, but something, I'm not sure what exactly, went wrong, and our nursing relationship nearly ended prematurely several times due to any of the following over the course of my son's first two months of life: refusal of the breast, nipple confusion, thrush, and plugged ducts. All which led to bouts with PPD a.k.a. losing my everlovin' mind, which always makes it worse. It seems like I've been through hell and back and I'm proud to say that I overcame such obstacles to be able to give my son the food he was born to eat. I'm just glad to be able to nurse my son whenever, wherever, and however possible.
I didn't NIP (nurse in public) outside of family & friend's homes until my son was several months old because I just wasn't comfortable with it. My son was and still is a messy, squirmy nurser, who pops off several times to smile at me or just to look around and see what's going on behind him. I am a private person, and I'm also rather self-conscious about my too-big-for-Victoria's Secret breasts (c'mon mamas, you know what I'm talking about!) and I didn't relish the thought of anyone getting an eye full anytime he thought he heard anything interesting going on behind him. But, when the need to nurse arises, I also do not want to be banished to a dirty public restroom stall or secluded bedroom with no comfortable seating (at family gatherings) just because my son is hungry. Nursing is nothing to be ashamed of. Period. It is natural and healthy. It is the way God intended us to feed our babies. Why do we feel ashamed and embarrassed? Our society and culture have sexualized breasts to the point that it's ok for an 18 year old to bare every inch of breast skin, save for the nipple, in a barely-there top (not to mention what she's probably wearing below the waist...) for men and women of all ages to oogle, but it's not ok for less than one square inch of skin to be visible while a mother is nourishing and nurturing her baby? Something is seriously wrong with that.
Thankfully, the laws are changing in our favor, and most US states now have laws protecting nursing mothers from "indecent exposure" charges and the like. The recent Applebees incident is an example of our "one step forward, two steps back" society when it comes to things like this. Hopefully things like this will be non-existent by the time our daughters are nursing their babies.
Here are a couple of gems from the anti-nursing crowd:
Onlooker: "Why don't you just use a blanket and cover up? I don't want to see that!"
Law-abiding mama: "Ok, don't look." Almost anyone who has nursed a baby or toddler of any age can tell you that this is much easier said than done. Babies don't like to have their head covered up. Imagine yourself trying to comfortably eat your lunch under a hot blanket (in the 100+ degree Texas summer heat!). Any nursing mother will also tell you that she absolutely loves to look into her baby's eyes while he is nursing. Trust me, it is one of God's great gifts to women. Why sacrifice that for the "comfort of others"?
Onlooker: "Why not just pump milk and take bottles? I don't want to see that!"
Law-abiding mama: "Oooook. Um. Don't look!" It sounds simple enough, but in reality, this suggestion is absolutely laughable. First of all, good luck getting a breastfed baby to take a bottle! Especially from his mama! It will confuse him when mama puts a hard, artificial rubber nipple in his mouth instead of the soft, warm one he's used to and he will probably protest and shove his face into her shirt. Not to mention pumping messes with your milk supply. Ever heard of supply and demand? And what will mama do when she gives baby the bottle and doesn't nurse him? She will become engorged, leak, and if she goes a really long time without feeding, she may suffer serious problems such as plugged ducts, etc. Doesn't sound so simple now, huh?
Inconsiderate family member/friend: "Please go into the other room if you're going to do that. It's disgusting!"
Law-abiding mama: "First of all, see above as to why feeding my child is NOT disgusting, and secondly, we came here to visit with you! How can we visit if I'm hiding in the other room for 30-45 minutes?" People need to get over themselves. Enough said.
Of all the things to get upset about, why nursing? Is a mother feeding her baby really all that bad? Why not worry about drunk drivers? Terrorism? Child molesters? The rapidly rising C-section rates? Doctors routinely amputating body parts of non-consenting babies? How about our country's self-induced declining state of health? Which, for the record, breastfeeding would help a great deal! Why not get outraged at issues that are relevant to the safety of our families?
I successfully and discretely nursed my 8 month old son in front of several people: family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers every day for the last three days, both with and without special nursing shirts. I bet most of them were unaware that I was doing anything else but holding my baby.
The only way to normalize nursing is to do it! So get out there and nurse nurse nurse your babies!
NORMALIZE BREASTFEEDING!!!
Nursing for us has been a challenge from about day four on. Days one, two and three were great, but something, I'm not sure what exactly, went wrong, and our nursing relationship nearly ended prematurely several times due to any of the following over the course of my son's first two months of life: refusal of the breast, nipple confusion, thrush, and plugged ducts. All which led to bouts with PPD a.k.a. losing my everlovin' mind, which always makes it worse. It seems like I've been through hell and back and I'm proud to say that I overcame such obstacles to be able to give my son the food he was born to eat. I'm just glad to be able to nurse my son whenever, wherever, and however possible.
I didn't NIP (nurse in public) outside of family & friend's homes until my son was several months old because I just wasn't comfortable with it. My son was and still is a messy, squirmy nurser, who pops off several times to smile at me or just to look around and see what's going on behind him. I am a private person, and I'm also rather self-conscious about my too-big-for-Victoria's Secret breasts (c'mon mamas, you know what I'm talking about!) and I didn't relish the thought of anyone getting an eye full anytime he thought he heard anything interesting going on behind him. But, when the need to nurse arises, I also do not want to be banished to a dirty public restroom stall or secluded bedroom with no comfortable seating (at family gatherings) just because my son is hungry. Nursing is nothing to be ashamed of. Period. It is natural and healthy. It is the way God intended us to feed our babies. Why do we feel ashamed and embarrassed? Our society and culture have sexualized breasts to the point that it's ok for an 18 year old to bare every inch of breast skin, save for the nipple, in a barely-there top (not to mention what she's probably wearing below the waist...) for men and women of all ages to oogle, but it's not ok for less than one square inch of skin to be visible while a mother is nourishing and nurturing her baby? Something is seriously wrong with that.
Thankfully, the laws are changing in our favor, and most US states now have laws protecting nursing mothers from "indecent exposure" charges and the like. The recent Applebees incident is an example of our "one step forward, two steps back" society when it comes to things like this. Hopefully things like this will be non-existent by the time our daughters are nursing their babies.
Here are a couple of gems from the anti-nursing crowd:
Onlooker: "Why don't you just use a blanket and cover up? I don't want to see that!"
Law-abiding mama: "Ok, don't look." Almost anyone who has nursed a baby or toddler of any age can tell you that this is much easier said than done. Babies don't like to have their head covered up. Imagine yourself trying to comfortably eat your lunch under a hot blanket (in the 100+ degree Texas summer heat!). Any nursing mother will also tell you that she absolutely loves to look into her baby's eyes while he is nursing. Trust me, it is one of God's great gifts to women. Why sacrifice that for the "comfort of others"?
Onlooker: "Why not just pump milk and take bottles? I don't want to see that!"
Law-abiding mama: "Oooook. Um. Don't look!" It sounds simple enough, but in reality, this suggestion is absolutely laughable. First of all, good luck getting a breastfed baby to take a bottle! Especially from his mama! It will confuse him when mama puts a hard, artificial rubber nipple in his mouth instead of the soft, warm one he's used to and he will probably protest and shove his face into her shirt. Not to mention pumping messes with your milk supply. Ever heard of supply and demand? And what will mama do when she gives baby the bottle and doesn't nurse him? She will become engorged, leak, and if she goes a really long time without feeding, she may suffer serious problems such as plugged ducts, etc. Doesn't sound so simple now, huh?
Inconsiderate family member/friend: "Please go into the other room if you're going to do that. It's disgusting!"
Law-abiding mama: "First of all, see above as to why feeding my child is NOT disgusting, and secondly, we came here to visit with you! How can we visit if I'm hiding in the other room for 30-45 minutes?" People need to get over themselves. Enough said.
Of all the things to get upset about, why nursing? Is a mother feeding her baby really all that bad? Why not worry about drunk drivers? Terrorism? Child molesters? The rapidly rising C-section rates? Doctors routinely amputating body parts of non-consenting babies? How about our country's self-induced declining state of health? Which, for the record, breastfeeding would help a great deal! Why not get outraged at issues that are relevant to the safety of our families?
I successfully and discretely nursed my 8 month old son in front of several people: family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers every day for the last three days, both with and without special nursing shirts. I bet most of them were unaware that I was doing anything else but holding my baby.
The only way to normalize nursing is to do it! So get out there and nurse nurse nurse your babies!
NORMALIZE BREASTFEEDING!!!
Monday, August 27, 2007
Working on it
Starting fresh. Nothing like a shiny new blog to get the wheels turning. I am no newbie to blogging though, I've kept a non-public diary since I was a sophomore in high school. In short, it was not a happy ending, and it was time to move on.
About me: I am 22, Christian, married, and a mother of one. My husband is 26 (27 in a week), and my son is 8 months old. As my blog title describes, I am an "intactalactavist". I support breastfeeding and keeping baby boys intact (not circumcising). I proudly do both for my beautiful son. I also cloth diaper, wear and do not vaccinate him. My parenting style is not defined by a trendy label, I am only doing what I feel is right for my family. Every decision I make is thoughtful, informed, and intelligent...at least that's what I tell myself! I try to explore at all the facts before "taking a side" so to speak. I am open minded until I make a decision, I suppose.
Onto other things.
Before I became a parent, music was #1 in my life. I joined band in 6th grade, and stuck with it until I graduated as a junior. I still have my clarinet, although it is in dire need of repair. I hope to play in an orchestral-type setting again one day, I miss that "rush" of being on stage, which surprisingly was not unlike the "rush" of playing my bass on stage. I got my first guitar when I was 15 and never looked back. Finally! I had a purpose in life! At 17 I picked up the bass due to our church's band needing a bass player. Little did I know, I would meet my husband in that church over that bass guitar.
Our love story shall be saved for another post.
I grew up in the church, but only recently became a true Christian. My walk with God has been littered with many, many obstacles, but I am slowly making my way down this amazing path. And I've never been better. My line of sight no longer stops at the horizon. I see life beyond this life on Earth.
So here I am. Like it or leave it.
silverspook
About me: I am 22, Christian, married, and a mother of one. My husband is 26 (27 in a week), and my son is 8 months old. As my blog title describes, I am an "intactalactavist". I support breastfeeding and keeping baby boys intact (not circumcising). I proudly do both for my beautiful son. I also cloth diaper, wear and do not vaccinate him. My parenting style is not defined by a trendy label, I am only doing what I feel is right for my family. Every decision I make is thoughtful, informed, and intelligent...at least that's what I tell myself! I try to explore at all the facts before "taking a side" so to speak. I am open minded until I make a decision, I suppose.
Onto other things.
Before I became a parent, music was #1 in my life. I joined band in 6th grade, and stuck with it until I graduated as a junior. I still have my clarinet, although it is in dire need of repair. I hope to play in an orchestral-type setting again one day, I miss that "rush" of being on stage, which surprisingly was not unlike the "rush" of playing my bass on stage. I got my first guitar when I was 15 and never looked back. Finally! I had a purpose in life! At 17 I picked up the bass due to our church's band needing a bass player. Little did I know, I would meet my husband in that church over that bass guitar.
Our love story shall be saved for another post.
I grew up in the church, but only recently became a true Christian. My walk with God has been littered with many, many obstacles, but I am slowly making my way down this amazing path. And I've never been better. My line of sight no longer stops at the horizon. I see life beyond this life on Earth.
So here I am. Like it or leave it.
silverspook
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